“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
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“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
never ask a starfish for directions
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]