Peace was never an option
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Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*