what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
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I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
December birthdays be like…
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.