I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
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I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I need to get some bricks…
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.