HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
You Might Also Like
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I cannot call her anything else now
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this