Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
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When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
I’ve been learning to cook.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”