Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
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Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
There’s always that one guy
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!