I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
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Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
stop
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
😅🤣😂
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”