Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
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I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
my first dose meeting my second
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.