The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
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Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles