guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
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A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.