Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
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My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Just parrot things
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Lmfao
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
She was REALLY feeling it.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.