Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
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LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.