[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
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wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*