[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
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In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
My zodiac sign is pistachio
You deplete me
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming