DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
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me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Seems a bit forward
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]