I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
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*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.