Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
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[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’