God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
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Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Actually cracking up @ this