I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
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rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
How to properly lift a body
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice