[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
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After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.