A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
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-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap