Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
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According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
😬
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Never ghost your hitman.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋