Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
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Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.