indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
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Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Breaking news:
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.