I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
You Might Also Like
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.