finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
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Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ