Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
You Might Also Like
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
is this a threat
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I have so many questions.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?