My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
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I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Worst bar ever.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas