me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
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There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word