Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
You Might Also Like
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
🤣🤣🤣
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.