computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
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Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)