Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
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*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.