5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
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Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team