Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
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Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Its true…
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
It’s actually Dr. whatever
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
#ProTip
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.