Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
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*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Education is vital
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Breaking news:
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!