Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
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A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
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STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
screw you
one of
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin