Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
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This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.