Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
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I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo