there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
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If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit