69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!