Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
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Feels like there should be a middle ground
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Battery falling down a hole
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
#ParentingFacts
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”