*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
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me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
My love language is hissing.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
When I laugh on my period
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!