twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
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Untitled Goose Game (2019)
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.