I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
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Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.