me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
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Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Has science gone too far?
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids