“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
You Might Also Like
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.