First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
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Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Lmao 🤣
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am