I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
You Might Also Like
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Not my job 😂
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.