*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
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If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.